I recently had the good fortune to attend a yoga retreat led by Father Joe Pereira and it was nothing short of a perspective-altering experience.  I feel like I'll be chewing on the insights I gleaned there for the rest of my life, and I'm sure they'll weave their way into a few more blog posts along the way.  Today I'm focusing on the simple but not easy practice of being present.  Since the retreat this idea has been popping up all over the place in my work and personal life, which usually means the universe is trying to get me to pay extra attention to it.

Father Joe didn't actually speak about being present, and I imagine this was purposeful.  A commonly used term that is bandied about alongside words like "wellness", "meditation", "living my best life", and "quinoa", "being present" has lost a little of its initial sparkle just like that stack of books about "living in the now" that's been collecting dust on your side table since January.  What our guru did instead was take us through day after day of grueling yoga that was so intense all one could think about was what was happening in the body in that very moment.  My internal dialogue usually went something like this:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

(note to self: next blog should be on the merits of exploring pain)

Regardless of the method, something obviously got stirred up inside of me (aside from sections of my lat muscles that I'd never met before).  I found myself journaling about the idea of taking one day at a time and what that would actually look like if practiced in our daily lives.  What would it be like to go to the store and buy just two bananas because I only need two bananas today?  To see one client because that's all the money I need today?  To own one set of clothing because that's all I can wear at once?  Of course its easy to come up with arguments against any of these ideas but that isn't the point.  In order to be present, we have to live in the now which we can't do if we're simultaneously trying to live in the future by shopping for the future, earning for the future, or thinking about the future.  So there's a degree of letting go required -- letting go of the fixation with preparing for or protecting against a future that is ultimately unknown to create some space for the present to just exist.  If you consider all the things you will do today that are future-oriented, and then imagine not doing them, what would your day look like?  What would you do with that time/brain space/money instead?  How do you feel when you consider those possibilities?  As is often the case, I'm not asking these questions because I necessarily believe that implementing these very extreme practices is the best idea or even a viable solution (I'm going to want a banana tomorrow, too and if the store isn't open I won't be happy!).  I'm asking these questions because I think that the feelings they'll evoke can give us a ton of information about how we're living our lives, what is ultimately driving us, and if that fits with our values and goals.

Father Joe's mantra for the retreat was, "adopt a disposition of dispossession".  Consider what might be useful to dispossess, whether that be an idea or belief, a habit or behaviour, or something else that could be standing in the way of you and the present.  Consider letting it go (even if that's only a mental act and doesn't occur in actuality) and notice how that feels.  You might notice a space open up and right there you've found that elusive thing -- the present.

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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A few months ago, when I was teaching a course about couple therapy to a group of university students, I was reminded of how much I always appreciated course outlines when I was a student myself.  The course outline or syllabus covers information on how to contact the instructor, the required reading, assignments and due dates, university policies and withdrawal deadlines applicable to the course, and an overview of what will be covered in the class.  At the end of every term I’d have a stack of well-worn course outlines full of highlighter marks and little notes-to-self; these pages had served as important guides that served as a map and a measuring stick, and helped to keep me on track.  I relied heavily on them and consulted them often.

Therapy is a considerable investment of both time and money.  As therapists, we want to help you to get the most value for what you’ve put in, or return on investment.  Therapy can be a bit like taking a class in that most come with the intention to learn something, usually about themselves and the relationships they’re engaged in.  However, therapy is a process and much more abstract than most classes.  (Yay – no exams here!)  But like any educational course, it is tough to get the most out of therapy if you don’t have an outline of the expectations.  Here is a “therapy outline” – some suggestions that can help you to enjoy the greatest benefit from the time and money you’ve chosen to invest in yourself through therapy.

1.  Be willing to take small risks and try new things.  Your therapist will challenge you to think about yourself, your relationships, and others in your life in ways that might be new.  Over the course of your work together, your therapist may offer suggestions for lifestyle adjustments, books to read, activities to do at home – try them.  I always say, nothing is a failure.  Even if it doesn’t give you the results you hope for, this information will help us to determine the next step forward.

2. Understand the law of 80/20.  Eighty percent of my value to you as your therapist will be outside the therapy room.  Clients who get a lot out of therapy typically return after the week or two between sessions and report having done a great deal of “mental chewing” on what we discussed in our last session, and consequently notice shifts happening within themselves and their relationships.  Often they have already begun to be curious about what they’re noticing, so they will have a general idea of what they’d like to talk through with me during our time.  This results in an effective session that generates more material for the between-session processing, which altogether keeps progress moving steadily forward.

3. Give feedback.  Compelling research has shown us that a client’s success in therapy increases substantially when their therapist gets feedback at the end of every session regarding how the client felt about how they used the time and the process of therapy in general.  Some therapists prefer to use formal tools like a short survey at the end of each meeting, while others prefer a brief, informal conversation with their client.  Whatever your therapist’s method, giving feedback as often and honestly as possible will ensure that you are working effectively as a team.

These suggestions are only a starting point.  Like course instructors, every therapist is different.  It is so important that as a client you feel that your therapist is a great match for you.  Talk to your therapist early on about their approach and the kind of clients they work best with.  By working closely together, we can help you to enjoy a substantial return on investment.

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Is a ‘harmless crush’ really harmless?

These days, the opportunities to stray outside of your relationship are abundant.  Social media has made it easy to reconnect with an old flame or to get to know someone new in a way that feels merely casual and friendly.  Many of us work long hours in demanding workplaces which means we may spend more time with our colleagues than our partners and naturally develop close relationships with them.  Extracurricular activities are great ways to meet people, whether you’re on the market or not.  Any of these situations is a completely legitimate place to carry on a friendship, but also fertile ground for the growth of a relationship that takes away from your partnership if you aren’t careful.

The point that we’re all most vulnerable to and thus have the toughest time getting our heads around is the fact that the line between friendship and emotional affair is blurry and represents a massive grey area that most couples haven’t clearly defined.  If you and your partner have never discussed your expectations of one another as they apply to the other relationships in your lives – which, I’ll be clear, are a healthy and necessary part of life and not to be avoided altogether – you’ve left yourselves vulnerable to slipping into unintentional but compromising positions with others.

The other element that is important to leave no doubt about is this: Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs.  I used the word “crush” in the title on purpose.  I think for most of us the word crush implies a teenage-quality, butterflies-in-my-tummy sort of connection that as adults we are pretty dismissive about.  Likewise, we tend to minimize the significance of an emotional affair, often by avoiding calling it what it is – an emotional affair – and instead attempting to fool ourselves by using terms like “close friend”, or by denying the fact that it is having any effect on our primary relationship.  And no matter what you tell yourself or what you call it, an emotional affair will absolutely take energy away from the relationship with your partner.

Let me take you back to that word “crush” for a minute.  Let’s say you’ve found yourself having those hearts-all-aflutter feelings for someone in your life; you’ve got a crush.  First, I want to tell you that the way you’re feeling is normal and that anyone with a pulse is capable of it.  I’ve drawn some clear lines about crushes already, but I want to make sure you know that any therapist worth their salt won’t judge you for it; I certainly don’t.  The need to feel heard and understood by someone else is a basic drive within every human being.  It is what motivates us to enter relationships, to connect, to seek out someone who “gets” us.  In an emotional affair, we get all of that – it’s like a drug for our heart.  In fact, we get all that lovely connection and flirting and banter without things like dirty laundry, in-laws we can’t stand, annoying/disgusting habits and everything else that creates your generally predictable, day-to-day, maybe-a-bit-boring relationship.  How could you not find your crush more interesting than your partner?  He or she is practically perfect!  Ah, but wait.  Practically perfect, but not perfect, because you don’t typically see the ugly bits when it’s all tee-hee-hee and playfully slapping hands and sneaky text messages before bed.  In fact, you can almost believe this person doesn’t fart because as your partner lies beside you “airing the sheets” in bed at night, you’re comparing him or her to your crush who surely would be fluffing your pillow instead – or at least this is what you’ve come to believe.  And this is where the real damage begins to show itself.  What your love goggles prevent you from seeing is that you’re holding up a very incomplete, very selective snapshot of your crush next to an image of your partner that has much greater depth and is thus more real.  So what’s to be done if you want to avoid sliding down this slippery slope?

1. Guard your heart.  Be mindful of the relationships you engage in and how they make you feel.  Fulfillment is important, but watch out for a friendship that causes feelings of resentment towards your spouse, a desire for secrecy, or a tendency to compare someone to your partner.

2. Treat your primary relationship with respect.  Reserve flirting, pet names and risqué jokes for your partner.  Be clear about the things that are only for the two of you, and speak openly with one another when you aren’t sure.

3. Keep the lights on.  Resist the temptation to hide in the darkness of secrecy by speaking openly with your partner about all your friendships.  If you notice yourself wanting to keep some things to yourself when it isn’t warranted (like when a friend tells you something private), this is a good indicator that you need to bring it into the open before things get more serious.  If this feels like a difficult conversation to have, a therapist can help.

4. Ask yourself some questions to challenge and clarify your motives.  “Why does this relationship mean so much to me?” and “What am I getting from this person that I’m not getting from my partner?”  The answers to these questions can help you to identify what might be missing in your primary relationship and assist you and your partner in gaining a sense of direction in your efforts to improve your relationship.

​Ultimately, your best bet is prevention.  Talk to your partner about those grey areas and blurry lines before either of you find yourself in a potentially compromising situation.  You’ll be able to speak about it from a more clear-headed place when you don’t have feelings towards someone else muddying the waters, and knowing about the boundaries of the relationship will better position both of you to behave in ways that respect them.  The need for closeness through emotional connection is hardwired in each of us and a need that must be met for us to thrive.  When we’ve committed to a relationship with another person, we have accepted the task to work with them to meet those needs in one another.  This takes work, that’s undeniable, and it is an effort that never ends.  The rewards however, are immeasurable and finding the courage to discuss a potential or existing emotional affair with your partner will add considerable strength to the fabric of your relationship.

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Each day people from all walks of life use the therapy room as a space to work out their 'stuff'.  Every once in a while, someone will ask me, "So who listens to YOU?"  Yep, we go to therapy too!  We also employ some intentional self-care methods to manage the stress of our job.  Although we're far from perfect, research has shown that therapists are better at self-regulating and maintaining positivity than some others.  Here is an article I contributed to that has some insider tips on how to stay positive and manage stress.  Enjoy!
-- Jodie

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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OK, summer is finally here (YAY!) and it just wouldn't be complete without a stack of books, right?  Beach, cabin, picnic table, at the park... you're taking that well-worn romance novel everywhere, aren't ya?  Might I suggest doing something a little different this summer?  I've put together a list of my favorite books for personal development, self-exploration, growth, and change.  Put down the steamy love story and pick up one of these greats.  They'll get you excited in a whole new way, I promise.

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown -- so, SO amazing.  I read this one once a year and I take something more from it each time.  If you're going to pick one, make it this one.

• When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate -- an excellent blend of solid research and interesting case studies to drive home the message that our emotions and our bodies are connected.

• Family Ties that Bind by Ronald W. Richardson  -- the most helpful book I took from my training.  A short, easy read all about family relationships and why we are who we are.

• You Are the One You've Been Waiting For by Richard C. Schwartz -- an accessible and engaging book about all of the Parts that make up you

Happy reading and HAPPY SUMMER!


--Jodie

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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I hope you read my last post (hint: if you didn't, go check it out now!), because it was there that I promised you I'd share my number one suggestion for parents who want their teens to open up.  Are you ready?  This is huge.  In fact, you might want to sit down.  Here it is:
Validation.
Are you surprised?  Disappointed?  If you're rolling your eyes, you aren't alone.  Most parents look at me like I've grown a second head when I start talking about validating their teens.  "You want me to do what?"  And then, "But isn't that like AGREEING with him?!"
Allow me to explain.  Validation in its most basic form is acknowledging how someone feels.  For example, your daughter is sobbing after finding out her friends made plans without her and you say, "You seem really hurt right now."  This may seem like something straight from Mr. Obvious but let's stick with the basics for now.  Validation actually has several levels, but you don't need to get all fancy-pants for this to work.  The thing is, something very interesting happens when you make a statement like this -- you get a response, and a response is the direct opposite of the shut-down, withdrawn presentation most parents get from their teens on the daily.  This response is your reward for simply indicating that you noticed what's happening for the other person.  To keep this interaction going you're going to have to be focused and continue making validating statements.  Noticing and reporting what you see will only go so far, so take your validation to the next level by normalizing what your teen is experiencing.  To continue the example I gave above, normalizing would sound like, "I feel the same way when I'm not included," or "I'm sure anyone would feel upset in that situation."  This is the part where I usually get some feedback about this feeling like agreement when a parent doesn't necessarily want to express agreement with the teen's behaviour or position.  It is important to remember that normalizing is not the same as agreeing.  Example: Teen punches a hole in the wall at school after a teacher calls him out in front of a group of respected peers.  A parent can validate ("I know I would feel embarrassed and angry if that happened to me.") without agreeing ("How else could you have handled that situation?").  When we validate by acknowledging and normalizing someone's feelings, we communicate that we understand them.  When you're able to make your teen feel understood, you also make them feel safe about opening up further and position yourself as someone who can be trusted to listen.  This is a very good position to be in when you want to talk about alternatives to punching holes in walls, for example.
To summarize: If we receive validation, we feel understood.  When we feel understood, we feel safe enough to get vulnerable.  Vulnerability = "opening up".  Notice + Normalize = Validation.
I make no claims that this will be easy.  Most of us adults haven't received sufficient validation to be skilled at offering it, but it can be learned and it does get easier (and feel more natural) with practice.  Need some help?  Let me know!

Jodie

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Do you ever wish your teenager had come with a manual?

Don't worry - you aren't alone.  Countless parents find themselves in my office scratching their heads and asking the same question: "How do I get them to talk to me?"  When I explore the issue a typical theme emerges: parents feel they're doing all the right things to set the stage for meaningful conversation with their son or daughter, but nothing happens.  Questions are answered with the barest of information or the teen will address only 'light' topics and avoid anything with any depth, leaving the parent frustrated and feeling out-of-the-loop.  I find myself giving the same advice again and again...

1. Learn What to Look For: In case you haven't already realized this, teenagers rarely approach their parents with the intention of initiating a conversation about 'the deep stuff', particularly teens who are struggling.  When they do, it isn't usually obvious that they have something on their mind that they'd like to share.  Some of the ways I see teens approaching adults when they need something: pick a fight, talk about something that seems meaningless (like music, or what so-and-so wore to school today), or by saying nothing but showing a lot of body language.  These approaches may be irritating and often don't make sense to adults, but they are bids for connection.  If you are seen as responsive and engaged with the 'fluff' of your teen's life, or you can tolerate some button-pushing without rejecting them, you'll be seen as someone who's safe enough to share the bigger issues with.

2. Location, Location, Location: Engaging with teens is a lot like fishing - you can never really be sure of a bite, but if you find that secret spot where your odds are better, return as often as possible.  In our family, the island in the kitchen and the car are the sweet spots.  What do the island and the car have in common?  Both are transitional spaces, meaning the time we spend together there is typically while we're transitioning from one activity to the next, such as driving from school to drivers' ed.  This time is pretty predictable and almost always unstructured, meaning teens can count on having most of your attention and not being required to do anything else like homework or cleaning their room.  If you don't have a reliable transitional space and time, make one.

3. Seize the Moment: If you're expecting your teen to be ready to chat at 8:42 pm after all of the younger siblings are put to bed but before you've gotten absorbed in the latest episode of Game of Thrones -- or any other time that could be defined as 'a good time' for that matter -- think again.  Nine out of ten times it will happen when you are tired/hungry/annoyed/frazzled/angry/occupied with something else.  It isn't mysterious or cosmic or karmic, its just because these are the times when you're vulnerable (and therefore more approachable and real).  Teens like that.  So learn to take these opportunities as they come and to see them as opportunities rather than say, a ploy to get out of doing the dishes.

These are just a few pointers to get you started.  Stay tuned for my next post where I'll share my number one suggestion for getting teens to open up (and anyone can do it!).

Jodie

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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