Mental health matters at all stages of life.
 
Mature adults make up the smallest group who regularly attend therapy, but this shouldn’t be interpreted as an indication that they don’t suffer with mental health concerns.  Common issues that seniors report to affect their mental health include isolation and loneliness due to losses of spouse, friends, siblings and other family; lack of meaning or purpose in life, particularly after retirement; changes in the way the body and brain make and digest the chemicals that regulate mood; and health issues that impact quality-of-life, especially those that cause chronic pain.
 
One of the common questions we hear from older adults is, “What can a therapist do to help me anyway?”  Therapy can be an important source of connection to someone who isn’t your child, spouse, or caregiver.  We often hear “I don’t want to burden my kids with this,” from mature adults who decide to give therapy a try.  A therapist is also someone who can help troubleshoot and find solutions to the above-named issues and other concerns, someone who can help make a plan to support a positive transition from working to retirement, work with other professionals involved in your healthcare, someone who can support you through grief and help improve complicated family relationships.
 
For those with a mature adult in their life, the message that mental health matters at all stages of life is one that can’t be overstated.  As an outside and more objective observer of your loved one’s mental health, you have an important role in noticing and bringing attention to changes and concerns.  Most people who experience a mental health issue, particularly later in life, report that it creeps up on them.  The slow progression combined with the reinforcing symptoms of an issue like depression make it difficult for the sufferer to see the severity of the problem, and even more so to take action to improve it.
 
For those who might be noticing early, small signs that their mental health isn’t what it used to be, think about the things that brought quality-of-life in the past.  Today is the perfect day to return to a former habit or start something new: volunteering, joining a group, starting a small business or hobby, making lifestyle changes that support optimal body and brain functioning, or seeing a therapist for support are all great ways to improve your mental health.  Remember: you’re only as old as you behave!

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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​There have been many changes in our world over the last several weeks, but death hasn’t stopped.  In addition, we’re experiencing a new layer of loss as the ability to mark a passing in our usual way isn’t possible at this time.  However, grief (feelings following a loss) still happens even when mourning (the expression of grief) is on hold.
 
Mourning is an important part of our healing process following a loss, one that’s kick-started by a funeral or other ceremony that happens soon after a death has occurred.  Ceremony and ritual are expressions of our culture and our beliefs, they mark life’s significant moments and bring us together, building and solidifying connections.  They create structure, an emotional scaffolding for life’s big moments.  Without the ceremony of a memorial, grief can feel amorphous and mourning may be delayed.
 
Funerals don’t just mark the beginning of the mourning process.  They also help us to acknowledge the reality of a loved one’s death, create space for remembering the life they lived, and offer a venue for extending and receiving support.  Funeral elements such as the presence of the body, casket or urn, meaningful music, sharing of memories through pictures and story facilitate mourning.
 
In the absence of the usual ceremony, it’s critical to honour our loss by finding ways to create a similar experience to scaffold our grief.  We can do this by holding a small ceremony of our own design, a practice that is highly recommended at a time when a funeral or memorial can’t happen soon.  It might include special music or readings, prayer or meditation, displaying pictures, sharing stories, lighting some candles, and finish with a simple meal.  Think of the significant elements of a funeral and find ways to create your own version.  Perhaps the most important part of the funeral experience is the opportunity to connect with loved ones.  Following a loss in these times of social distancing, it’s especially important to use every technological means available to you to reach out to family and friends.  You may choose to share your at-home memorial experience with others through online video or to keep it among the members of your household.  Either way, be sure to reach out to your support system and your fellow mourners regularly.  Although you are apart, you are together in your grief.  With intention and creativity, you can support each other through this difficult time.

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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As we settle into a new normal, many mental health professionals are beginning to think and talk about the long-term impacts of our current reality.  For those of us who work from a trauma-informed perspective, we’re keeping our eyes open for indicators of trauma in our world and in our work.  I know that word won’t fit for everyone, but if you’ve got a history of trauma it’s quite likely that the current changes going on in our world will be triggering for you.
 
Emotional trauma causes damages in many ways, one of which is the experience of “too much, too fast” along with the inability to process what’s going on.  Just as there can be many forms of trauma, there are several possible barriers to processing an experience such as the lack of a person you can talk things through with, developmental stage and inadequate of processing skills (children and teens), or there simply isn’t time amidst the focus on survival and constantly changing demands.  If you have a history of trauma, you’ve likely experienced one or more of these complicating factors.  For those who are struggling to process our current reality, it may have the impact of a trauma, now or later on.
 
Whether or not you have a trauma history, this new reality may cause you to experience symptoms like exhaustion, fear, irritability, a desire to make things orderly, a decrease in productivity, brain fog, the “emotional roller coaster”, tears for reasons you can’t identify, and a general sense of being overwhelmed.  This is a normal response to an abnormal event.  You’re not broken, you’re responding exactly as your system has been designed to respond under these circumstances.
 
The best things you can do for yourself right now are the very basic actions.  Be gentle with yourself.  Practice compassion toward yourself and others.  Extend grace to everyone, especially yourself.  Understand that you are moving through a process, one that may have started for you long before 2020 and a pandemic changed our world.  If you can, take a daily walk or do some other gentle form of exercise.  It isn’t the time to push right now and starting a whole new fitness program is simply adding another big new thing for your system to adjust to.  Eat foods that nourish your body so that it can function well.  Set regular times to connect with people who are important to you by phone, FaceTime or Skype.  Above all, know that you are resilient and you are a good human no matter how messy things feel right now.

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Structure and routine are essential parts of an effective self-care plan, especially for people who experience a mental health issue like anxiety or depression, or for anyone who is going through significant change, like parents who are home with their kids due to school cancellations and people who are suddenly working from home when this isn’t their usual experience.
 
It can be difficult to maintain our typical routines when we’re experiencing a big change.  At times, for instance under the current circumstances surrounding COVID-19, it’s necessary to break away from our normal habits in order to follow the recommendations of scientists and government officials.  In the midst of the chaos it’s often tough to know where to start when it comes to creating or maintaining structure, especially when it seems things are changing every day.  I encourage you to take a balanced approach and focus on a few key basics rather than striving to maintain as much of your usual structure as possible.  Quality over quantity.  Hold expectations loosely.  Here are a few items that I recommend everyone use as a foundation for structure in the midst of change:

• Maintain your usual waking/sleeping schedule.  If possible, keep the same schedule every day of the week.  This helps your entire system – body, brain, mind – work better.

• Whether you’re leaving the house or not, complete a basic personal hygiene routine every day.  It can be so tempting to keep the pyjamas on and shuffle around all day in those grungy slippers, but seriously: shower, brush your teeth, and at least put on some clothes worthy of the grocery store (grungy slippers optional) before your start your day.  You’ll feel better for it.

• Eat three meals a day at the usual times.  This ties into your sleep schedule.  I find that when I’m home for a few days and don’t have a schedule to follow, I have a habit of getting loose with the meal schedule and end up eating supper as late as 7 pm.  Not the end of the world, but if I’m not eating till 7:00, I’m not feeling ready for bed until 11:00 or later, which is past my ideal bedtime.  The domino effect quickly throws the whole day (and the next, and the next) out of whack.  Eat regularly and eat on time.

• Make a plan for the day, even if it’s only a skeleton.  I find it helpful to schedule tasks into my calendar as though they’re appointments, even if they’re only errands: 9-10 Meeting.  10-11 Groceries.  11-12 Client messages.  12-12:30 Lunch.  12:30-3 Client sessions.  3-3:30 Get gas/mail, wash car.  It doesn’t have to be a major item to put it in the calendar, and tons of research shows that scheduling tasks is much more effective than creating a to do list.

 
If last week felt a little chaotic, do yourself a solid and sit down for 15 minutes today to create a loose plan for this week using the above guidelines.  VFT is pleased to offer phone and online counselling if you’d like to connect with us!

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Children look to adults for guidance on how to respond during stressful events.  Kids are highly sensitive to the emotional states of their parents, so if parents are experiencing worry or fear, it’s likely that kids will be more anxious too.  A parent’s job during a stressful time is to be ‘Bigger, Stronger, Wiser’, showing their children through actions and words that it is not the job of the child to worry and that the parent continues to be in charge and capable of providing safety and reassurance.  Here are some specific guidelines:

1. Provide honest, age-appropriate information in simple language.  Answer any questions they have with fact-based information; look it up on a reputable website if you need to.  If your child is asking questions about something, it means they’re already speculating about it and nothing will be gained by avoiding answering the question.  In fact, in the absence of good information, kids are likely to fill in the blanks with worrisome ideas or playground gossip (not unlike adults!).

2. Remind them that people in charge including yourself, health and school officials, and hospital staff are all doing your jobs to keep everyone healthy and safe.

3. Teach positive preventive measures like good hand-washing and ‘cover your cough’ to show them what actions they can take.

4. Talk to them about their fears calmly and patiently.  Remember that they are watching your verbal and non-verbal behaviours and that what you say and do can either increase or decrease their anxiety.

5. Provide lots of warmth and connection.  Tell them you love them, that your family is safe and healthy (if true) and try to spend time being playful or doing something that makes them feel close to you.

6. Regulate their access to news and social media.  Make sure to point out that everything they see and hear isn’t necessarily accurate and that if they aren’t sure, they should double check with you.

 
Finally, taking care of your mental health is more important than ever during times of uncertainty.  Voth Family Therapy is continuing to provide care and support to existing and new clients while we all figure out this COVID-19 thing.  We happily offer online and phone counselling to stay in touch.  For more tips on staying mentally well, follow us on Facebook and Instagram!

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Structure and routine are essential parts of an effective self-care plan, especially for people who experience a mental health issue like anxiety or depression, or for anyone who is going through significant change, like parents who are home with their kids due to school cancellations and people who are suddenly working from home when this isn’t their usual experience.
 
It can be difficult to maintain our typical routines when we’re experiencing a big change.  At times, for instance under the current circumstances surrounding COVID-19, it’s necessary to break away from our normal habits in order to follow the recommendations of scientists and government officials.  In the midst of the chaos it’s often tough to know where to start when it comes to creating or maintaining structure, especially when it seems things are changing every day.  I encourage you to take a balanced approach and focus on a few key basics rather than striving to maintain as much of your usual structure as possible.  Quality over quantity.  Hold expectations loosely.  Here are a few items that I recommend everyone use as a foundation for structure in the midst of change:

• Maintain your usual waking/sleeping schedule.  If possible, keep the same schedule every day of the week.  This helps your entire system – body, brain, mind – work better.

• Whether you’re leaving the house or not, complete a basic personal hygiene routine every day.  It can be so tempting to keep the pyjamas on and shuffle around all day in those grungy slippers, but seriously: shower, brush your teeth, and at least put on some clothes worthy of the grocery store (grungy slippers optional) before your start your day.  You’ll feel better for it.

• Eat three meals a day at the usual times.  This ties into your sleep schedule.  I find that when I’m home for a few days and don’t have a schedule to follow, I have a habit of getting loose with the meal schedule and end up eating supper as late as 7 pm.  Not the end of the world, but if I’m not eating till 7:00, I’m not feeling ready for bed until 11:00 or later, which is past my ideal bedtime.  The domino effect quickly throws the whole day (and the next, and the next) out of whack.  Eat regularly and eat on time.

• Make a plan for the day, even if it’s only a skeleton.  I find it helpful to schedule tasks into my calendar as though they’re appointments, even if they’re only errands: 9-10 Meeting.  10-11 Groceries.  11-12 Client messages.  12-12:30 Lunch.  12:30-3 Client sessions.  3-3:30 Get gas/mail, wash car.  It doesn’t have to be a major item to put in in the calendar and tons of research shows that scheduling tasks is much more effective than creating a to do list.

 
If last week felt a little chaotic, do yourself a solid and sit down for 15 minutes today to create a loose plan for this week using the above guidelines.  Let me know how it goes, I’d love to hear your feedback!

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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These are strange times.  I’ve spoken to a number of people in the last week who have likened the rapid changes we’re experiencing within our social systems to a Stephen King novel; not most folks’ idea of Utopia.  I myself have wrestled with finding the balance between prudent action and panic-driven responses (#toiletpaper).  So as I relay this message to you today – one that you’ll be reading days from the time I write it, during which time who knows what other changes will have taken place – I hope to give you some tools to find calm if you or someone you love is feeling worried and uncertain, to make sound decisions you feel good about, and to know how to move through the day-to-day in a constantly evolving situation.
 
Humans don’t do well with disruption.  We are creatures most comfortable with predictability, routine, familiar patterns and surroundings.  Above all, finding ways to maintain your routines and habits as best you can will settle your mind and body.  We make better decisions and feel better about decisions that we make when we feel calm and grounded.
 
Tools that help:

1. Journal about your feelings.  There is immense power in getting something out on a piece of paper in black and white.  There is no need to keep these musings or re-read them; this is purely a cathartic exercise that works for many people.

2. Focus on the present moment.  Remember that worries and anxiety are typically based in fears of an unknown future or reminders of a negative past.  Neither the past nor the future is happening in this present moment.  Use tools like slow, deep breathing, a body scan, or simply noticing the feeling of your feet in your shoes as methods to orient yourself to the present.  Apps like Stop, Breathe & Think are great (free!) tools to get grounded.

3. Be a careful consumer of news and social media.  It can be difficult to turn away from the non-stop news cycle but your brain needs the rest.  It might be a good time to make some changes to your social media sources or take a break altogether.  If you do choose to engage with news and social media, set a timer for a short period of time (like ten minutes) and put the device away when your time is up.

4. Take action where you can.  Wash your hands, cover your cough and remember that you can’t control what’s happening in the world but you can control your response to it.

5. Stay connected to friends and family during social distancing.  This might mean setting up a daily FaceTime chat, texting or phoning to check in on people you care about (especially people who are vulnerable due to age or existing health concerns who need to be extra careful about social interaction), or snuggling with your partner on the couch in the evening.

6. Do something creative with your feelings.  Consider picking up the hobby you haven’t done in a while.  If you notice excuses coming to mind like, “I don’t have any paints anymore,” try reframing this as a question such as, “What would I need to do to start painting again?”

7. Move your body.  Stretch in your kitchen, do some yoga in the living room, walk down your road, play tag with your kids.  Make it a goal to move your body every day.

VFT is pleased to continue to offer online and phone counselling sessions, and if a half hour check-in is all you need, we can do that too!

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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In light of the rapid developments regarding the COVID-19 pandemic, I am writing today to tell you about Voth Family Therapy’s preparedness plan.  We are committed to your wellbeing, the health of our therapists and to doing our part to prevent the further spread of this illness.  The VFT team is taking the following measures to ensure continued services and good health:

• Cleanliness – All offices are equipped with hand sanitizer and anti-bacterial wipes.  Therapists and clients are encouraged to be diligent with hand-washing.

• Social Distancing – Under the following circumstances, please do not attend in-person sessions:

  • If you have any symptoms, even mild ones.  Symptoms include cough, low-grade to high fever, sneezing and other things you’d associate with a common cold/flu.

  • If someone in your household or with whom you have regular, close contact with has symptoms.

  • If you have recently returned from international travel and may have been exposed to the coronavirus.

  • If a therapist experiences any of the above, she will contact her clients and arrange for an alternate method of service delivery.

• Ongoing Service Delivery – Effective March 13, the preferred method of service delivery will be an alternate means to in-person sessions.  All clients will be offered the option to have sessions by phone, Skype or Doxy.me (a free, secure platform similar to Skype with added security for telemedicine) instead of in-person, whether you have symptoms or not.  There is no additional charge for distance therapy.

• Cancellation Policy – We are temporarily waiving the fees for cancellations with less than 24 hours’ notice.  No shows will continue to be billed the full fee.  We encourage you to keep your appointment when possible by connecting with your therapist by phone or Skype.

 
How do I make changes to my appointment time or method?
As always, please contact your therapist directly by phone, text or email as soon as you know you need to make a change to your appointment time.  You can also discuss your preferred appointment method (phone, Skype or Doxy.me, in-person) with your therapist.

What if things change?
The situation regarding COVID-19 is changing rapidly and we are doing our best to keep pace with current government recommendations.  Your therapist will contact you directly to discuss any additional changes or you will receive a notification like this one by email.
 
All of this planning is making me (or my kids) anxious.
We can help with that!  Keep an eye on our blog and social media feeds for information about staying mentally well and supporting your kids during this stressful time.  Speak to your therapist about your specific situation.
 
Please remember that by attending appointments in-person you may unknowingly be putting others at risk, including your therapist and their family.  VFT therapists are among the many people in Manitoba who don’t have paid sick benefits.  In addition to our hope to reduce the spread of infection, we also wish to minimize the financial and other impacts of the virus to the people in our communities.  So, whether the concern is COVID-19 or the common flu, your consideration for our health, the health of other clients and the health of our community is always appreciated.

I understand that most clients prefer to meet in-person and that getting creative with how our sessions happen might be uncomfortable for you.  Your willingness to help us “flatten the curve” of COVID-19 is much appreciated!

To stay informed, please follow us on Instagram and Facebook and keep an eye on the blog.  The World Health Organization is the best source for up-to-date information.  You can find them here.

Wishing you good health and with much warmth,
 
Jodie Voth, RMFT
Owner & Therapist, Voth Family Therapy

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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As humans, regret is a normal part of our experience.  And in true human fashion, we have a tendency to respond to the discomfort of regret by further punishing ourselves with negative self-talk, harsh judgment, and unproductive thought patterns.  Often the fear of experiencing regret is enough to make us think twice about a choice or hesitate to make a decision altogether.
 
Think about a decision you’ve made because you wanted to avoid feeling regret.  Did you feel at peace about that decision, or did you feel like you were choosing “the lesser of two evils”?  Did you successfully avoid regret or did you feel it anyway?
 
Think about a time when you avoided taking action.  What made you hesitate?
 
Think about a time when you’ve felt regret.  Tune into that feeling, notice what happens in your body when you recall that memory.  Pay attention to what it makes you want to do.  It’s uncomfortable, isn’t it?  Regret has companion emotions – embarrassment, sadness, guilt, shame, frustration, remorse, anger – that make the regretful experience complex.  These emotions are all pretty uncomfortable and that discomfort is motivating.  It makes us want to avoid those feelings, either by ensuring we decide differently next time, forgetting the regrettable experience, or both.  That’s where the negative self-talk comes in.  Our internal critic wakes up and works to drive home just how bad that decision was in the hopes that this will protect us from feeling those uncomfortable emotions in the future.
 
Now imagine yourself being brave and making a decision you know you’ll regret, but simultaneously telling yourself, “I’m not going to beat myself up over this.  Every choice has a reason.”  How does that feel?
 
Every decision we make is based on the available information at the time.  Every choice is informed by a reason, or several reasons.  Regret is a natural and normal response to a decision we wish we could change once gifted with the benefit of hindsight.  However, there’s a difference between feeling regret and beating yourself up about something.  Put simply: I can regret a choice I made and also choose not to beat myself up for it.  Every decision has a reason and blaming myself later is unkind and unfair.
 
Regret is an unavoidable part of being human.  Choosing to treat ourselves gently when it happens is a powerful action.

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Healthy Couple Fact: Happy couples are couples who regularly make time to connect.  Connection is most meaningful if it happens in the form of small, consistent actions.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and those of us in relationships might find ourselves pondering ways to show our other half that we care.  Whatever your typical V-Day plans might be, consider trying some of the items on the list below.  Couples and families are busier than ever, and although a date night is a great idea, we often lack the time or money to have an elaborate night out.  Here is a list of small ways to connect with your partner that have serious value.  Most of them require little time and no money.  Try making up your own list, too!

1. Make a meal plan together
2. Shop for groceries together
3. Dance to one song
4. Hug for 20 seconds
5. Finish the sentence, "I appreciate..."
6. Offer an apology
7. Have a staring contest
8. Ask your partner, "If we could do anything you like for 15 minutes, what would you choose?"
9. Play a board/card game
10. Have decaf coffee or tea together in the evening
11. Make a 'no devices in the ____ ' rule
12. Take a ten-minute walk together
13. Make up a new pet name for your partner
14. Write a love note in seven words or less
15. Name a need that your partner has met
16. Name a need that your partner hasn't met yet
17. Play a sport together
18. Schedule a weekly 30-minute 'talk time'
19. Have a re-run of your first date
20. Set a goal together that you can achieve in a week
21. Tell your partner about a worry you have
22. Hold hands in the car
23. Ask, "How could I make your day better today?"
24. Talk about the kind of relationship you'd like your child to have with his/her future spouse
25. Take the Five Love Languages quiz at 5lovelanguages.com

Relationships require a lot of work.  If your relationship is in a place where the above list feels impossible or unhelpful, it might be a good time to check in with a therapist.

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Suicide is likely one of the top fears any parent has for their child.  With mental health concerns like anxiety and depression being diagnosed in teens at rates higher than ever before, it makes sense that the issue of suicidal thoughts might be one you’ve worried about or dealt with already.

People are generally poorly equipped to deal with the topic of suicide.  This is largely a consequence of our society’s longstanding attitude toward mental health issues as taboo or shameful.  We’re doing better, but we have a long way to go in terms of educating folks of all ages on how to address mental health concerns within themselves and others.  Parents often report feeling especially helpless when it comes to supporting their teens through mental health issues because they’re overwhelmed by a tangle of fear, worry, frustration, uncertainty, and often memories of their own bumpy teen years.  As parents, we learn a lot about how to parent from those who parented us.  If we went through a tough time in our teens and felt unsupported and alone, it can be really hard to be the steady one for our kids when the time comes.  If your teen talks about suicide, here’s what to do:

1. Ask directly, “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” or “Have you thought about hurting yourself?” instead of using innuendo.

2. Take them seriously.  Does it feel like they’re looking for attention?  Spoiler alert: they are.  If someone is feeling so terrible about their situation that they are considering ending their life, I believe they would want someone to notice.  If someone notices and pays attention, they might not feel alone with their pain and they might get some help finding a way out of it.  If I was hurting so much that I thought ending my life would be better than continuing in the pain, I would absolutely want someone to pay attention when I asked for help.
​
3. Teens often don’t know how to ask for help.  They’re still figuring a lot of stuff out about themselves and the world around them, so even though they often look like adults, sound like adults, and think they’re adults, they aren’t.  Teens still need parents to make the final call on matters that relate to their wellbeing, so if you notice signs that your teen is struggling, check in with them and enlist the help of a medical or mental health professional.

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Happy New Year, everyone!  The last time I wrote I referred to New Year’s Resolutions and SMART goals.  I’m a huge believer in creating SMART goals and the difference this practice can make in our success when it comes to achieving our desired outcomes.  SMART is an acronym that stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound.

Specific: What will be different when you’ve completed the goal?  What steps or actions will you need to take?
Measurable: How will you measure the change?  What do you need to track?
Achievable: Is the goal realistic or doable?  Do you have the things you need to complete it?
Relevant: Does the goal fit with your larger plan?  Is it in conflict with other goals, either yours or someone else’s?
Time-Bound: What is the timeline for completion? Create checkpoints along the way to ensure you’re on track and make necessary adjustments to the plan or timeline.

When thinking about a goal, use the SMART outline to make a detailed strategy that will support goal achievement.  Think about what you want to see change and how you will notice that the desired change has taken place.  Consider beginning to track your behaviour now to establish a baseline so you can tell if change has actually happened later.  It’s also important to step back and consider how our goals fit within our life, especially if we share our life with a partner or someone else who will be impacted by our efforts.  If my goal is to save for a vacation and my husband’s goal is to pay off the mortgage early, our goals will be in conflict.  Failure to address this will likely mean failure to achieve goals, arguments about the goals, or both.  Finally, by identifying a timeline and checking progress along the way, we create accountability and planned opportunities to review and adjust as necessary.

If the goal seems impossible, barely achievable, or only achievable under ideal circumstances, break it into smaller chunks and start with the easiest one.  Practicing this approach to goals builds momentum, and momentum = motivation.  When we successfully complete something we set out to do we immediately feel a sense of reward.  This good feeling is as close as we can get to the experience we call motivation, so it’s really important to make that happen as early and often as possible.

If you want to set some SMART goals, we can help!

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JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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​I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  Not only do they have a bad track record, I don’t believe in there being anything magical about January 1st, a mental shift that has served me well.  Letting go of the idea that there’s something magical about a new year means each day has no more or less possibility than any other and success is as likely today as tomorrow.  If you do make resolutions, let’s talk about how they could perform better for you.

New Year’s resolutions are simply goals.  I love goals; the SMART kind which are, among other things, specific.  Goals that commonly fail often aren’t specific enough.  Some of the not-SMART goals I love to hate: Be happier.  Be healthier.  Turn into a gazelle.  Okay, that last one was just to see if you’re paying attention.  Still not a SMART goal, though.  By “specific” I mean describe it in enough detail that an eight-year-old could observe and measure the change.  If by “be healthier” you mean that you’d like to plan your meals, shop accordingly, hold a single cooking day each week, pack homemade lunches and use the slow cooker that’s collecting dust, then those tasks are the goals.  If “get active” means moving your body by taking walks on lunch breaks and using the stairs instead of the elevator, then “walk on lunch break” and “take the stairs” are the goals.  Identifying what a vague goal like “be happier” means to you and naming the specific changes that will result in your happiness is highly effective because it creates a to-do list of actions that are the steps to achieving the goal.

Some goals are difficult to get specific about because getting specific means naming big dreams, hopes and maybe a fear of failing to achieve them.  When you drill down to what “be happier” means to you, it might be greater job satisfaction, not coming home angry, burned out or depressed, and earning more money.  In order to achieve these goals, you might need to take steps like pursuing additional training, searching for a new position, or starting that business you’ve always dreamed of.  It’s normal to feel fear or overwhelmed about big changes like these, they often feel risky and require a great deal of energy and time. Naming fears and other potential barriers or pitfalls supports your success through challenges because you can anticipate and plan for them.

Goal setting is one of a therapist’s favourite things, anytime of the year!  We can set you up for successful New Year’s resolutions.

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Ah, the holiday season.  Festive lights, smiling people, glowing firesides and all the images that a Bing Crosby album conjures up.  However cozy and quaint, this picture-perfect version of “the most wonderful time of the year” isn’t accurate for many for whom it might bring feelings of dread.

Often those who have suffered a loss, people who have had difficult holiday experiences in the past, introverts (*raises hand*), and those who have experienced trauma have a hard time.  They say, “I feel like the weird one,” or “No one understands why I feel the way I do.”  Many survive by faking it, forcing their way through the demands of the season, stumbling into January in a post-holiday depression with a desire to further withdraw from our lives and feeling sad, irritable or frustrated.  If this is the real cost of the holidays, what can we do differently?

1. Stop faking it.  Be honest with yourself and those around you.  Your emotions are valid and they’re trying to communicate something important to you like, “This hurts!”.  If you burned your hand in the oven, would you force yourself to do it over and over again?

2. Identify what you need and ask for it.  Introverts often talk about the holidays as being a nightmarish time of year with rarely a moment to recharge.  If that’s you, schedule in some quiet time between commitments and re-think the number of gatherings you’re attending.  Those who are grieving notice their emotions are especially raw at this time of year, so stepping up your self-care and giving yourself permission to do less of everything can be the difference between burnout and a manageable (if not celebratory) holiday season.  Individuals who have experienced trauma – particularly within their family – often feel a building tension as the holidays approach.  Exercising your ability to keep yourself away from things that feel unsafe is empowering and healing.  Remember that genetic relatedness does not always equate to safe, warm, and predictable bonds.

3. Pick and choose how you use your resources.  Be honest with yourself about how much time and money you can commit to gatherings and gifts (don’t forget – every gift bought is also time spent shopping) and still come out whole in January.  Consider skipping the mall and instead make donations in the name of recipients and rotating your attendance at certain events instead of doing them all.

The holiday season can be a meaningful time.  However, if your December isn’t merry and bright, the most healing gift you can give yourself is permission to feel as you do.

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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I tell every new client the same thing at our first appointment:

“Just because you’re here with me today doesn’t mean you’re stuck with me.”

Sometimes I get a chuckle, often a curious look.  So, I explain:

• Abundant research has demonstrated that the number one predictor of success in therapy is the quality of the relationship between client and therapist, and my experience as a therapist completely supports this.  In other words, clients typically get what they’re looking for from therapy when they have a good connection or “click” with their therapist.

• Since we know the fit between client and therapist is so important, VFT therapists regularly ask for feedback from our clients.  This often happens at the end of a session with a question like, “How was this for you today?”.  We take note of what you share, work hard to implement it, and encourage you to help us out by being generous with your critiques and accolades, and letting us know if you have feedback to offer anytime, even if we aren’t asking.

• Without the “click”, good work can still be done, but why settle for good when you could have great?  Sometimes it’s the therapist’s vibe, their style or approach to doing therapy, or even the way they laugh!  If it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel right, and that is totally okay – you’re not stuck with us.  We want to see you get what you need from therapy and we’re so invested in that, we’ll help you find someone who is a better fit if it turns out it isn’t us.

Having a great fit between client and therapist is the difference between a positive experience and a 'meh', or worse yet, negative one.  It's the difference between therapy feeling like an investment and a burdensome expense.  It's the difference between feeling alone with the thing that's troubling you and feeling like you're sharing the weight of a heavy load with someone capable of carrying it.

We believe in the importance of "The Fit" so much that we invest in making sure you find that person before we've even taken a toonie from you.  We do this by:

• Maintaining detailed therapist bios on our Therapists page

• Offering free 15-minute consultations so you can get a feel for a potential therapist before you commit to paying for a session

• Providing a list of suggested questions you can use to interview us to make the most of your consultation or first session

Everyone deserves the feeling that comes from finding the right fit.  I don't harp on and on (and on) about this without good reason!  We want this for you and we want to know what you need to make that happen.  If you're not sure what exactly "The Fit" should feel like, you might like this blog post.  And as always, if you have any questions, please reach out -- we're happy to help.

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Before you get too caught up singing my favourite Whitney Houston song in your head, the title of this post is referring to finding The Fit in therapy.  If you read my last blog post, you know that I think this is a Big.  Freaking.  Deal.

Let’s be honest – finding a therapist that will be the right one for you can feel like an overwhelming crapshoot.  We know it isn’t always going to work, but how will you know when it is a good fit?

• You’ll feel safe, accepted

• You’ll feel like the therapist “gets” you

• You’ll feel comfortable talking about the things that have brought you to therapy

• You and your therapist will have the same or similar goals for your therapy

• You’ll find your therapist likeable

I can help you start the work of therapy before you even set foot in the door by empowering you with the tools to find the right fit.  Sometimes clients get lucky, but many people don't feel right about leaving a relationship as important as this one to chance.  To feel less like you’re rolling the dice and more in the driver’s seat, you can pre-screen therapists by:

• Reading our bios on the Therapists page before you book an appointment

• Booking a free 15-minute consultation which can be in-person at the office or over the phone

• Booking another free 15-minute consultation with a different therapist if the first (or second, or third) didn’t feel like the right one

• Using some of your time in the first session to interview your therapist

Say WHAAAA???  Interview my therapist?!?  Yep, you read that right.  When a new client comes in with some great questions for me, a part of my therapist brain just lights right up.  I think, "Okay, you did your homework and you're serious!  Let's do this!!!" while I internally rub my hands together like I'm standing in front of the strawberry stand at the farmers' market.

(Very specific metaphor, I know, but I seriously love fruit and farmers' markets and it's been a long winter, okay?)

Suggested questions to ask your therapist in a first session:

• Whether or not they assign homework.  Do you want homework?  Some clients do, some don’t.

• How often they suggest meeting.  Does this fit with your hopes or expectations?

• What is their philosophy on therapy?  What role do they take?  According to the therapist, what ingredients are required to make therapy successful?

• After you’ve given the therapist an idea of what’s brought you to therapy, ask them how they would approach this issue.  Does the answer match with your hopes or expectations?  Does it make you feel positive about your future work together?

• What is their experience with concerns like yours?  Have they taken additional training in this area?  Do they enjoy working with this sort of issue?  Does the therapist foresee any limitations to their ability to help with this matter and if so, how do they plan to address that?

A few things happen when clients take the time to ask even one or two questions of their therapist in the first meeting.  First, you're stepping into a degree of participation in the therapy that, similar to the fit with your therapist, is a strong predictor for success.  Second, you're asking for what you need which is hugely important in any healthy relationship.  Third, you're putting yourself in a strong position to get information that will help you decide/feel out if this is the right person for you.

Do you have other questions that you think would be important to have answered in the first session?  We'd love to hear from you!  Use a button below to get the conversation going.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to that Whitney Houston video I was watching...

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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​“I have no right to grieve him.  He didn’t choose me.  He didn’t love me anymore.”

The weight of Sarah’s* words lands with an inaudible but palpable thud in the middle of the room.  In this statement, she had summarized months of pain held carefully inside, unacknowledged even to herself.  Yet there it was, welcome or not -- grief.  The cutting pain of loss that when we least expect it, pokes through the careful layers we might try to hide it beneath.

Sarah’s experience of the loss of her husband through separation is one example of ambiguous loss, a type of loss that doesn’t fit the typical experience we associate with grief and death, because through ambiguous loss a person might be physically absent while still alive in our minds, or physically present while emotionally or mentally detached.  (Other examples of ambiguous loss: disappearance or abduction of a loved one, adoption, Alzheimer’s, abrupt ending or cut-off of a relationship, addiction.)  If you’ve experienced an ambiguous loss you might be having trouble knowing if and how you “should” grieve.
The thing is, even when a loss is complicated or unclear, it’s still a loss and loss is sad.  It begs for grief, an outpouring of all those mixed up emotions and the sweet memories, too.

I remember the last time we saw each other.  It was a Saturday and it was snowing.

I miss the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh.

Fridays are the hardest.  We almost always saw each other on Fridays.  I find myself lingering, waiting for someone I’m sure won’t arrive… but I can’t help it.  I feel like I have to.

And so much like in the case of a death that comes unexpectedly, we are left to wrestle with the things that were never said.

I’m sorry.

I learned so much by having you in my life.                  

I wish I would have been brave enough to tell you ___________.

I love you.

If you’ve experienced a loss that’s unclear and unresolved, you might feel trapped in a sort of limbo, clinging to the hope of the return of or reconnection to your loved one in the hopeful moments, while grieving what feels sure to be a permanent loss when things feel dark.  You have no sure answers and likely there hasn’t been a funeral to mark this passing, so you drift in a no-man’s-land of pain that is hard to define.

If you’re reading this, I hope the part of you that was looking for something has found it here.  What you’re feeling is real, even if you don’t understand it or if the word “grief” isn’t the one you’d use to describe it.  It is okay to feel sad.  Read that one more time.  It really is okay to feel sad, to grieve if you need to.

Today I’d invite you to lean into those feelings.  Give yourself permission to feel the sadness that comes with the absence of someone you love.  Give yourself permission to smile at a memory of them teasing you, or a secret laugh you shared.  Say the unsaid words out loud, even if it is only to yourself.  Cry if you need to.  Hold the hope if you can.  Whatever you do, please don’t try to smother that grief -- it is valid and real.  Grief and love are closely related and are both pretty tough to truly hide, so create a little space and see what happens there.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”  -- Jamie Anderson

____________________
*not her real name

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Daily journals are a hot trend and with a new year just begun, it's a great time to start your daily reflection practice.  The following printable is free and was created to incorporate the most powerful mental tools: gratitude, positive affirmations, intention setting and self-reflection.

How to Use: Each sheet contains prompts for two days (remember to save trees and print double sided!).  Each morning complete the first four prompts and each evening complete the final two prompts.  That's it!  Most people find that it takes only 5-10 minutes a day, and the benefits go beyond measure.  Remember: there are no right or wrong answers, write whatever comes to mind no matter how simple or complex, and you don't need to come up with something unique every day.

Enjoy creating your amazing 2018!

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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Therapy, personal growth, change -- it's all hard work.  Making the initial call is definitely the hardest part of therapy, but a close second is that middle stage when you're in the muddy trenches and the end seems far away.  This is particularly true for the deep personal work that seems to turn your world upside down -- it's a marathon, not a sprint and like a marathoner, it can be useful to have some energy boosters handy for when you feel stuck, exhaustion creeps in and perhaps you consider giving up.

I recently stumbled across the practice of writing letters to oneself.  The idea is that during tough times, words of encouragement can be meaningful, especially if they come from within rather than from an external source.  It's like a combination loving-kindness/self-compassion/positive self-talk exercise.  I used to be a dedicated six-day-a-week runner (note: USED TO BE, lol) and I often used positive self-talk to get through the challenging days, hills, and the last mile (I also listened to Bif Naked a lot).  Repeating "This is just another hill.  You've done tons of hills before and you'll do many more after this.  It won't last forever.  Look how far you've gone already," got me through even when I felt like I couldn't pull it off.  So I wondered: could writing a letter to ourselves help us get through difficult times like the middle stage of personal growth and change?

The most meaningful words are your own, written in your own voice.  Ideally, a letter to yourself will be written by you, have relevance based on your circumstances and come from a place of awareness and compassion.  However, I understand that you might not be in a place where you can find the positive words you need to hear, or the sincerity to write them in a way that will resonate right now.  Below you will find a letter that I wrote, which you can modify to fit or use as-is to provide affirmation and hope when you need a boost.  It might seem hokey or fake, you might say, "I don't even believe any of this about myself," or argue that writing a letter to yourself won't work because it's like trying to tickle yourself.  While I"ll agree that tickling yourself does not work (fun fact: your cerebellum won't let you), I'd encourage you to give this exercise an honest try.  If you can, use the letter below as a jumping-off point to writing your own letter to yourself, and if that doesn't come easily just try reading this one every day for a couple of weeks.  There is no right or wrong outcome, no success or failure -- this is simply an opportunity to try something different and notice what happens.  My hope is that a space will open up where you can say with honesty, "I love myself today."

Love and namaste,
Jodie

Dear (insert your name here),
You’ve done an immense amount of personal work recently.  It’s made you a deeper, richer person.  You know things about yourself you couldn’t have learned any way but through living this experience in all its ugly, messy confusion and pain.  You know what you’re capable of, what you’d give to something you care about.  You know what you bring to the table now, and you didn’t before.  You’re no longer afraid or ashamed to ask for the same qualities from those around you.

Would you do it over again?  Without a moment’s hesitation.  In fact, if faced with a similar struggle in a similar situation, you’ll challenge yourself to consider what more you could give.

You may not be a model, you might have some bad habits, poor manners, or “undesirable” qualities, and a whole lot of complexity.  But you’re a person of substance, depth, drive, and commitment.  You’re someone another person would be so lucky to know they’d wake up every day feeling like they won the lottery.  You want to feel the same.  You deserve to feel the same.  You will feel the same.

You used to be afraid that if you asked for the qualities that you bring to your relationships that you’d be denied, told you’re too needy, rejected or shut down.  Well that’s not you anymore.  It’s not about being entitled, demanding or needy.  It’s about coming to the table with your whole self to give and saying to those you invite into your life, “You’d better show up too.”  And if they can’t, they’re not a bad person, they’re just not your person.

​If you don’t believe this yet, read it every day until you do, because it’s true.

Love,
(insert your name here)​

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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I want to start by saying that I’m not a person who likes “stuff”.  First, I despise dusting, so knick-knacks are merely an annoyance because they’re just one more thing to clean.  Secondly, I spent the better part of a decade of university living in tiny spaces and moving home every summer – space was at a premium and moving was a lot of work, so owning fewer possessions was a wise idea.  It was during those years in school that I developed a habit of doing a semi-annual purge to clean out the stuff I didn’t need or want anymore.  After the holidays was one of the times I usually did a major clean-out.  Inevitably I’d end up with a bunch of gifts to bring home after the Christmas gathering circuit and had to play Survivor with the items I already owned to decide what to keep and what to donate.  Hauling a few boxes off to the thrift store afterward always felt cleansing, my closets and cupboards were organized, it was a fresh start for the New Year.  So even though I don’t move around annually anymore (THANK GOD), I’ve maintained the practice of an annual or semi-annual purge because it feels great.

Now Christmas is still several weeks away, but I recently got to thinking about this purging habit when I noticed a reluctance to get rid of some items I don’t really like anymore.  I pride myself on my minimalist practices, so why the resistance to part with things that aren’t serving me well or meeting my needs?  After giving this a lot of thought, here’s what I came up with.

Keeping things I don’t really like serves a purpose.  The item takes up a space visually and spatially so that I don’t have to see a void, emptiness.  Our society doesn’t like things to be empty, we like full.  Full plates, full houses, full schedules, full minds.  What makes emptiness so uncomfortable is what we believe it signifies – the absence of something, or in other words, a lack or shortcoming.  Empty space is like silence, we have a compulsion to fill it not because it is inherently bad, but because of how it makes us feel and the value we have assigned to it.  Emptiness brings up all kinds of emotions – am I inadequate (because I’m unable to fill this void)?  Do I look poor, cheap, or as though I have no taste?  This thing I have is good enough, and isn’t good enough better than nothing (am I too demanding or needy to want more or better)?  There it is – the idea that something I dislike is better than nothing at all.  That must mean that on the continuum of satisfaction, the least desirable situation is nothing, emptiness, a void, or blank space.  The next best thing is something that we don’t like (because it’s “better than nothing”).  Even if it’s ugly, broken, someone else’s taste, old and worn, outdated, not quite the right fit, it’s “better than nothing”!  Strangely, it seems that on this satisfaction continuum of worst (being nothing) and best (being the ideal thing), there isn’t much space between nothing and something that fills the void, but there is a huge gap between that thing that fills the void and the thing we really want.

Why does it seem like what we really want is so inaccessible or unattainable?  Are there actual barriers to what we desire?  Or maybe it’s the fact that we’ve got a space filler there.  That space filler takes away the discomfort of the emptiness, and discomfort is incredibly motivating.  Like the so-called awkwardness of silence, the discomfort of emptiness makes us want to fill it.  So as long as we fill that space with something, we don’t feel uncomfortable.  However, I would argue also that while that space is occupied by something less-than-ideal, the ideal thing can’t come along because there’s no room for it.  Just think for a minute—if we could tolerate the discomfort of emptiness and create a blank space, what might we be creating an opening for?

Minimalism isn’t just about stuff, it’s about our emotions, relationships, behaviours and attitudes.  In fact, I believe that our attitudes about our belongings generally mirror the way we handle feelings, relationships and our thoughts.  If you’re clinging to something that doesn’t serve you well anymore like anger or jealousy, old hurts or an old flame, someone you’ve outgrown or a mindset that doesn’t fit your current experience, I wonder what might be able to come into that spot if you were able to let go of the old stuff?  Put another way, what are those things you don’t need any more preventing you from having?  Clearing this space isn’t just about making room for something else to fill it, it’s also about creating an opportunity for personal growth and learning within the void.  It’s possible that what’s going to serve you best isn’t even something else but instead simply the absence of that old thing, or an opening that isn’t immediately filled.

If you notice yourself keeping stuff that doesn’t make you happy or isn’t quite adequate because it is better than letting it go and better than having nothing at all, challenge that idea.  That can feel overwhelming, but it’s the braver, truer thing to do than hanging onto things that don’t fulfill you.  The things that don’t meet your needs take up the space that would otherwise be available to something that could.  As long as the space is filled, neither that something nor the lightness that emptiness can bring will be able to come your way.

Thanks for reading!  For more great content, follow Voth Family Therapy on Facebook!

BLOG AUTHOR

JODIE VOTH

JODIE IS A FULL-TIME THERAPIST AND OWNER OF VOTH FAMILY THERAPY.

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